Tired

The title says it all, I am tired. As I come close to the pinnacle of my life (so I think), I feel more and more tire of it. Of my self. Of this pain, this hurt that stops me cold. All I could think of is, “Should I jump or should I look back and take those steps  towards the same thing over again?” I don’t want to go back to the same thing. I don’t want to feel the same way. I cannot end in that black hole again. But all I feel is tired.

In one occasion, I let my sister know that I felt the same way. That I just wanted to rest, to sleep for ever, to not think or worry about anything. She said I was selfish. How can I just think of me and not think how that, will affect the people around me. How the people who loved me will feel. I felt guilty afterwards. But now I think, “Why are they being selfish. Keeping me here. So they could feel good.” They all can manage without me. I just want to rest. Some how I convince myself out of those thoughts. “Just get thru the day, just a few hours more, just a few minutes more.” And here I am, still. Trying hard to keep on going. Trying hard to cover up those feelings, those thoughts with thoughts of happiness.

One thought that comes to mind, that always makes me smile, is when my son was about six months old. I held his little head with both my hands and started to kiss his little cheeks. Simultaneously. After a minute or so. He fell asleep with all the kisses or it could have been from the back in fort of me kissing his chunky cheeks. But after every happy thought, I’m still tired.

Should I jump? Should I go back? Maybe there is a way around this pinnacle of life. Maybe I’m close to the summit. I just need to stick it, one more day. Just one more day.

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