As I sit here and stare at this screen, my mind starts to wonder and debate what to write about. So many things on my mind, which in none I’m no expert. And probably my post will be full of grammar errors, spelling errors and all kinds of errors. Maybe I’m just using this to vent out the “reality” of what has become my life today.
I’m a 34, almost 35-year-old single Mexican-american mother with chronic depression. And it seems that as I hit that pivot point in life, yet again, (I had one at 25, and 30), my world becomes smaller, life becomes harder and cruel.
The greatest battle I’ve had is with myself. Ever since I can remember I wake up fighting the negative thoughts. And now I just do it for my son.
He is a wonderful, heart warming little 7-year-old boy with recent diagnosis of A.D.H.D. Which gives me an additional challenge thru out the day. But he is the only reason right now, that gets me up in the morning. And some time is hard. I just want to give him the best. And the fact that he cannot have a full family, where he has a dad or bothers, breaks my heart. His father is in his life but it’s not the same as seeing him or having to live with him every day. And sometimes I wonder, was it worth it getting a divorce. I could have just suck it up and live in a loveless marriage. Where I was the roommate, the housekeeper. Everything else except a partner a wife a soul mate.
In reality it is worth it. We are better off. But still, I need help. I still need that partner, that soul mate, that friend that is going to be there for ever. That family dynamic. I think I deserve it. I think my son and I deserve it.
I really don’t know where this blog will lead or if any will read it. In a world now that every one has a voice, my voice is low. But I will keep it, it’s better than not having one.